I found a box of tapes under my bed from various conferences I've attended over the years. Surprisingly I found a tape of a session I had taught at a conference on the principle of suffering. At that time I was 21 and just entering my first midwifery college. As I spoke about God using the hurts in our lives, my voice wavered a bit (presumably from a little nervousness and holding back tears).
What struck me was my passion that is burned on to that tape. At that moment I was so sure that God was using and had used even the deepest hurts and despair as part of the beautiful calling in my life. Though I still believe it, I wonder if I've lost some of the passion along with the belief. I've been going over Romans 4-5 and Hebrews 11 often this week. I'm struck that it says that some died in faith not receiving the promise and they were looking for the Heavenly country. Right now I'm not quite sure what God has ahead, but I'm reminded I have to get my eyes back on the eternal to get that passion again. In the here and now stuff really doesn't always make sense.
I guess before I always had this goal out there of becoming a midwife and going overseas. Yes, that was all part of God's plan, but there was so much more. Now I'm thinking, "ok, I really don't want a career, I'm nervous about ministries overseas (though still headed that way), and I have no prospects for a family of my own...what now?" I'm taking the little steps that God has put before me, but that goal isn't really there right now. What I do have is the reminder of eternity and that God has something each day and each hour. In the right time he will show me the next step.
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